Friday, 10 August 2012

Wreck This journal 2

So I while ago I posted about my 'Wreck This Journal' and promised that I would do weekly updates. Well, this is awkward. How about one big update on it to make up? Yes. So heres lots of photos of the pages I've done so far. I've still got about 50 to do! I think I'm going to get 'Mess' by Kerri Smith next. These books are really therapeutic actually. Quite addictive!

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey...

So, I'm not sure about how its going around the rest of the world, but in the UK there is a new phenomenon. All around the country, woman are salivating profoundly over their paperback copies of the Fifty Shades Trilogy. In the name of research and science, I decided to read these books and see what all the fuss was about...

I'm quite lucky, in the fact that I own a kindle. Otherwise buying these books might have been a slightly embarrassing experience. I don't think you could find one person who doesn't know what these books are about - sex. A LOT of sex. Owning a kindle meant that I didn't have to walk into my local bookstore and pick it up off the shelf, or else I might not have gone through with buying them. The paperback cover is an image of a knotted tie, with NO colour. I think this is an attempt to look mysterious. I can imagine E.L.James sat in her office thinking "Fifty Shades of Grey, what colour should the cover be...? I'VE GOT IT! GREY." I'm presuming that there are also more than fifty shades on the cover. Well played, James, well played. The cover is basically how I would envisage the cover of a 'dirty' novel. Its nothing out of the ordinary.

I still blush when I see people reading this in public. Its the fastest selling paperback EVER, so its no surprise that so many people are reading in on the train to work and such. But I shall tell you my problem with this book. I bought it on my kindle and read it in secret. I'm not being funny, but somehow I didn't think my parents would approve of a book about the insides out of bondage and kinky stuff. Last week, guess who had bought the book? My mum. So I now have to cope with the knowledge of my mum reading what I have. She'll sit reading it in the living room, and I can only guess what bit she's up to. Its disturbing. The fastest I've ever seen her read a book! She also said that I could borrow it after her if I wanted. No. I don't want my mum knowing that I know about kinky weird stuff like that! I won't even start on the fact that my Nanna is also reading it! 

Th storyline itself isn't actually that bad, regardless of what official book reviewers are saying. I wouldn't go as far as saying that its the next award winning piece of modern literature, but its not that bad. I would best describe it as in the same league as something that you'd read on holiday. You know those easy-reading chick flicks that aren't too strenuous or tiring and you don't have to really concentrate on what everyones saying? The sort of books with ludicrous plot lines that would never happen in a million years? Its like a not so friendly version of one of them. 

Basically its the story of an english literature graduate, Anastasia Steele, and how she meets the amazingly seductive, beautiful, sexy, mega-rich Christian Grey. And the basically for two and three-quater books its the debate over whether what they have is just 'kinky-fuckery' (quoted from the book) or love. I won't go into much more on the actual plot because some of you may have the desire to read it. But, honestly, its not as bad as it sounds. If you ignored the sex element, these books are genuinely something that I would read anyway. In my opinion, if the sex was glazed over like in other books, they would be just as good.

I found myself getting ridiculously consumed into this book. There were times reading this series that I wanted to throw my kindle across the room; and times when I was so happy, then almost in tears the next minute! The last half of Fifty Shades Freed had me go through a whole variety of emotions. There was a point where I was reading until about four in the morning, then had to stop because I was genuinely almost in tears. I refused to pick up the book for a few days after that! I never cry at books. The last time I cried at a book was the first time I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It seems strange that this book is one that I would get so emotionally attached to!

So overall, I read these books with an open mind, and I was quite pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't recommend them for everyone, but if you're at a loose end and are looking to read something a little bit different, then give them ago.

One more post tonight I think, bye!

Random catch up...

So guys, I know its been a long time. I'm sorry. But I'm having a revolution and I'm going to start blogging a lot again! If I don't, I promise that you're all allowed to murder me in the most unique way you deem fit. Personally, I wouldn't recommend rusty spoons.

Whats been going on in my life, I here you ask. Well, my lovely readers, not an awful lot! I've got lots of little things that I want to talk about, but no big, huge topic to do an entire topic on, so to speak, so I'm sorry if this post seems really disjointed.

Firstly, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life. Phew. You know how I picked maths, biology, chemistry and psychology for my A Levels? Screw them. When I chose my subjects i had a huge debate over which subjects to take, and basically ended up taking similar ones to my friends, in pure panic. I've decided that I'm going to redo a year at sixth form and study English Literature, English Language and Economics. Then hopefully I can do journalism at university! Its weird, for the past year, I've HATED school, and the prospect of doing subjects that I'm good at has just boosted my spirits. I can't wait to read and it to actually count towards something! So, thats that!

You know the weird food phobia thing that I have? Thats gone. Yea, I think I've programmed it out of me. I got sick of people asking me out for meals and having to say no! Dates are much easier now! So thats making me much more happy!

I've been reading. You know how EVERYONE is going on about a certain trilogy of books? Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey. Well, I had to see what the fuss was about. I think I'm going to write a review of it sometime soon, (maybe tonight) and I'll post that up here, for you all to enjoy. 

I'm going to stop blogging about boys as much on here. I've figured that I can use this blog asa way to show that i'm interested in writing to universities, so writing about my love life won't exactly be ideal! If it weren't for my rule about not deleting posts, some of the older ones would have gone a long time ago! Its nice to see how much my writing has improved though, at least thats something!

Well, I'm going to do one or two more posts tonight, then hopefully another one later this week or next. I also need to write my personal statement for enrolment day at my school, joy of joys. So for the next hour or so, bye!

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Wreck This Journal...

Bonjour! So, I've been busy with exams for a while now, but the good news is, they're all over! I had my last one this afternoon. Its strange, I got in from my exam, and automatically started to try and revise. I then realised that I had nothing to revise for, and laughed at myself for about an hour. So mainly, I've been spending my first afternoon of freedom on tumblr. I have a new tumblr incase anyone didn't know, which you can find here, incase anyone is interested. 

So what I'm going to talk about today is something that I've seen a lot on tumblr. 
Its a book called 'Wreck This Journal' by Keri Smith. Its basically a book that you destroy. It gives you hints and stuff to, just incase you're as unimaginative and have as little creativity as I do. I decided to treat myself on Saturday, seeing as both my paychecks came at once, and Hollister pay considerably more than I thought they did (£5.90, YAY). So since my bank accounts looking considerably healthy, I decided that one book couldn't hurt. My god. This is possibly the best thing I've bought. 

If like me, you're a little bit of a perfectionist, you'll have a little bit of a love hate relationship with this book. When I bought mine, it was perfect; no corners bent, I even made sure the sides hadn't been crushed by what ever machine they use to make books. I'm a bit like that with books, they need to be perfect. The first thing the book had me do was break the spine. You should have seen my face. I've never broke the spine of a book. So yea, the book is considerably less 'perfect' now that I've done a couple of pages. 

I was thinking I could make this a weekly thing?  What do you guys think? Anyway, I'll hopefully blog again soon, but for now, byeeeeee.....

Wednesday, 9 May 2012


I am back! You can stop worrying now, I didn't die on Friday the 13th, as you probably all though. I've just been extremely busy. I keep having to repeatedly say to myself "I love a levels" about 32 times a day, just to stop me loosing my mind. I can't actually remember if I told you this in my last post, it was so long ago (Esh, sorry...), but I have dropped the dreaded subject that is chemistry! A Levels are SO much easier only having to tackle three of them. But anyway, thats not what I'm going to talk to you about today...

You know how most teenagers, once they get to the age of 16 or 17, start to want making a little bit of money, and get a part time job? Notice the singular term there? A part time job. Singular. Well, avoiding the norm, as I love to do, I have TWO part time jobs. Youth unemployment, my arse. Two part time jobs, plus three a levels. I want to weep. 

So my first job is in the lovely NHS. For those lovely readers who live outside the UK, I'm really not sure how much you know about the british health system, but we don't pay insurance, we just get everything for free. It all comes from taxes. And like most other first world countries, we're also in a recession, economic downturn, blegh, how ever you want to say it. That means that we, the great british public, pay more taxes. So how come a humble cleaner, or 'Domestic Assistant' such as myself can get paid over £14 an hour to empty bins? I don't mean to be ungrateful, but as a 16 year old, if you paid me £5 an hour, I probably wouldn't complain. David Cameron, I hope you're taking notes. Tax payers, your hard earned money that you think is going toward improving the deficit, helping our lovely greek buddies, or buying Nick Clegg some choccy biscuits to have with his cup of tea (we are british after all), is in fact in my pocket, going towards a lovely pair of shoes I spotted in Topshop the other week. This is why I like David Cameron. 

Now, my second job. I'm quite proud of this one, I will admit. The other week, while worshiping the lovely shoes I mentioned above, in Topshop, I was approached by a lovely person from Hollister. I am now a 'model' in Hollister. I'm aware that this is probably a much bigger deal in America, but here in the UK, I'm still kind of amazed that I was picked. For those who don't know what Hollister is, its the daughter brand of Abercrombie&Fitch. You know the store that has topless boys standing outside that make you want to cry over their abs? Yea, that one. Basically Holister is Abercrombie's rebellious daughter, who goes to beach parties a lot. Thats how I would describe it anyway. So, what does being a 'model' actually mean? Well, notice how I keep putting the term 'model' in little floating things? I'm not actually a model. I'm a sales assistant with a fancy title. Apparently we're called 'models' so the company can get away with making us dress a certain way. When I log onto their employee website, their is a two page 'look policy'. As far as I'm aware, if I dye my hair, or cut it without them having prior notice, I die. Or get sacked. Yaaaaay.

Now, back to the political side of things. I'm 16 years old, with two jobs. Normally 16 year olds don't pay tax. Normally 16 year olds with a part time job don't pay tax. But a 16 year old who has two part time jobs, earning over £300 a month? They pay tax. I feel grown up. So I pay taxes, and taxes pay for the NHS, and the NHS pay for me. I'm basically paying myself to work. If A Levels worked like this, I'd be much more motivated...

Well, exams start on Monday, so I'm not going to promise that I'll write soon. But I shall give you an update when I can. For now, byeeeeeeeee.....

Friday, 13 April 2012

My Bucket List...

I've been trying to blog for a couple of days now, but I couldn't think of a suitable/ interesting topic. So I'm going to do what I normally do, and just ramble on about something that isn't really important, but I still think is mildly interesting about me. 

So I started writing my bucket list about three months ago. I know most people start bucket lists when they reach a certain age, but, this way, I can cross off as I go along. It started off as just a few things, but its gradually increased to the size of a small novel. I now have 125 items on my bucket list. I know it sounds really ambitious, but I'm only 16, and I've got the rest of my life to complete it. Some of them are a little bit silly, some a little bit serious, but they're all things that I want to do at some point in my life. So, without further ado, here is my bucket list (so far...)...

1. Complete everything on my bucket list.
2. Go on a road trip.
3. Successfully complete my yoga schedule (I've failed four times now). 
4. See Boyce Avenue live.
5. Move to California.
6. Kiss a Dolphin.
7. Complete the cinnamon challenge.
8. See the Statue of Liberty.
9. Be able to eat without feeling anxious.
10. Open a patisserie in Paris.
11. Find the perfect guy for me. 
12. Spend the night in an aquarium.
13. Read 365 books in one year (attempted, never completed).
14. Lay on the road in the middle of the night, and look at the stars (The Notebook, anyone?).
15. Catch a jar of fireflies.
16. Visit Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
17. Get a manicure.
18. Spend an entire day cuddling with someone I love. 
19. Go to university in America.
20. Buy my first home.
21. Own an Audi R8.
22. Travel the world.
23. Throw a drink in someones face (any volunteers...?).
24. Swim with manta rays.
25. Work for Rolling Stone's magazine.
26. Learn how to tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.
27. Get a cake from Charm City Cakes.
28. Go to every Hard Rock Cafe.
29. Go on a no budget shopping spree.
30. Learn how to make sushi.
31. Be spoiled on Valentines Day.
32. Get an infinity tattoo.
33. Take one photo everyday for the rest of my life. 
34. Have a relationship that lasts successfully for at least a year.
35. Compete on Britain's Next Top Model (I'd never get in, but its worth a shot). 
36. Eat my own weight in chocolate.
37. Visit New York.
38. Learn how to knit ( I used to know, but I forgot...).
39. Become a wedding planner.
40. Own a DLSR.
41. Learn how to snowboard.
42. Go on an african safari.
43. Steal a street sign.
44. Swim under a waterfall.
45. Visit Pixar Studios.
46. Become a professional chef. 
47. Meet Charlie McDonnell. 
48. Name a star.
49. Become a Victoria's Secret angel.
50. Write a love letter.
51. Get an anchor tattoo.
52. Get my driving licence.
53. Wish on a shooting star.
54. Go to a Taylor Swift concert. 
55. Play beer pong.
56. Have my '11:11' wish come true.
57. Visit Monte Carlo.
58. Have my children grow up with Harry Potter and The Hunger Games.
59. Own a beach house. 
60. Have a wardrobe I actually like.
61. Live in New York.
62. Spend my 21st in Vegas. 
63. Work at Disneyland.
64. Meet the cast of Harry Potter. 
65. Own something from Tiffany&Co.
66. Wear a beautiful wedding dress.
67. Kiss at the top of the Empire State Building.
68. Have the perfect kiss.
69. Slow dance under the stars.
70. Cliff jump.
71. Scuba dive in the great barrier reef.
72. Ride a vespa.
73. Meet my grandchildren.
74. Have my poetry published (I write poems by the way.)
75. Buy my parents a new house. 
76. Dance with my kids in the rain.
77. Kiss under the Eiffel Tower.
78. Go to Coachella.
79. Run a marathon (No need to laugh...).
80. Kiss under a waterfall.
81. Watch a meteor shower.
82. Play hide and seek in Ikea.
83. Go to Glastonbury.
84. Kiss under mistletoe.
85. Learn to surf. 
86. Marry the guy of my dreams.
87. Drop a dress size. 
88. Be an aunt. 
89. Find love without looking for it.
90. Make him the happiest guy in the world. 

I think I'll leave it at 90. No doubt my now you've gotten bored (skim read the last 70, didn't you?). Besides, I've ran out of ones that I'm comfortable sharing. Scary how many people I know that know about my blog. I've lost track of the number of people in school who know. Yikes...

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

10 Reasons why I'm sick of boys...

Title says it all, really...

1. Guy Number 2 has decided to barge his way back into my life. What started off as a "Hey, how you doing? We haven't spoke in ages! x ", swiftly turned into "Look, I just wanted to say that I really miss you x ". Baring in mind the last time we talked was when he rejected me, its slightly awkward. He's joined the army, which confuses me, because I found myself getting quite distressed by this. It would kill me if something happened to him. 

2. The group of chavs walking behind me on my way home from school, asking to feel my 'tits'. I had to seriously fight the urge to roundhouse kick them in the face.

3. Guy Number 1 having the same free periods as me at sixth form. Imagine my surprise when half way through one of my frees last week, he comes and sits right beside me, looks straight into my eyes and says "Hi Amy" in a very sexy voice. I've always had a weakness for his eyes, so finding myself staring into them after half a year of zero contact, basically rendered me speechless. Goodbye 'study' periods...

4. Guys who stare at my ass as I walk through the common room, yet would laugh if I ever dared ask them out, just because they're 'popular'. Thats right, I see you stare. Its made worse by the fact that most of them have girlfriends.

5. The fact that one of the guys who I have a crush on is way out of my league. 

6. The fact that one of the guys that I have a crush on is apparently WITHIN my league, yet I'm still too scared to make a move.

7. The fact that even though I say that I'm sick of boys, really all I want is a relationship, because after nearly two months of being single, I'm really lonely. I miss having a boy tell me that I'm beautiful and that they love me. 

8. The fact that love means different things boys than it does to girls.

9. Before I got involved with boys, I was quite happy being single, now, it the most depressing thing in the world.

10. The fact that boys seem to be way worse than girls at rubbing their happiness in your face. It feels like I get punched in the face everytime I talk to some people. 

My friends and I have a little joke about what we're going to do to boys who hurt us, and only recently has it started being brought up again. So to any of my friends who might be reading this, and know what I'm on about, I think its time to get the rusty spoons out.... *insert evil laugh*....

Sunday, 18 March 2012


So I have a crush. Yes. Finally. I've been praying for myself to get a crush for the past month.

If you've be reading my blog from the start, you'll have realised what I'm like when I start liking someone. Once I start liking someone, I basically become obsessed. And anyway, its now common knowledge that I can't like one single person, my crushes have to come in twos. So when I say I have a crush, what I really mean is, "I have slight crushes on two guys, and I'm going to merge the best parts of them together in my head to make the perfect guy". So yes, I kind of have crushes on two guys. I now need to think of code names for them, because 'guy number one' and 'guy number two' have been done before. I think I may start using initials. But that would be really obvious. Any ideas, anyone?

So anyway, there are two guys. The first guy is my 'normal' type. He basically looks like a cross between an Abercrombie model and a greek god. He's about 5ft9-ish, and as far as I'm aware, he has a six pack to die for (my imagination is telling me I'm right). I've known him since I started middle school, but I never talked to him properly until the start of this year. He's smart, funny, and he understands Harry Potter references. Its always hot when I guy can quote Potter to you. He's a triplet. What is it with me and triplets?! I must be drawn to them. Anyway, I sit next to him in biology and maths. What is it with me and science lessons?! I always seem to develop crushes on boys in my science lessons. He's ridiculously smart, he's amazing at maths, but I have a slight advantage over him in biology, but only just enough so I can tease him about it. Have I ever mentioned I'm the worlds biggest flirt? So anyway, thats the first guy.

The second guy is pretty different. He's not my normal type. He's about 5ft7-ish, and has wavy blond hair. He could also be an Abercrombie model if he tried. But he doesn't try. He has a six pack, but admittedly, not the best, because I'm willing to bet he doesn't gym. He's smart, but he doesn't try, he doesn't need to try. Its kind of hot when boys don't try. He's funny, and he can quote Harry Potter and The Hunger Games to me. So hot. He's not a triplet, thank god. The other day, I was sharing his Ipod with him, and we were singing 'Dirty Little Secret' by The All-American Rejects to each other, with full on air guitars and everything. I like boys who aren't too serious. I sit next to him in biology. Thats right. In biology, I have one crush on my left, and one crush on my right. Biology is slowly becoming my favourite subject for some reason... 

So, any opinions on which sounds like the best? Answers in the comment section please... 

Sunday, 4 March 2012

I'm back...

So, I've had a little break from blogging. Sorry. I know you all must have missed me dreadfully, but I promise I'm back. So for the past month I've been coping with what can only be called the 'post-breakup cycle'. So in this post I'm going to outline the stages that I went though after I broke up with the boy I was in love with, and hopefully give you some tips, just incase any of you happen to be unfortunate enough to go through with it.

Stage 1
The "I'm going to be forever alone, and live with 37 cats, who will eventually eat me as I die a slow, painful, lonely death" stage. No over exaggeration. This lasted for about two days for me, but I can easily see why for some people it can last months. It feels good to feel sorry for yourself. To be honest, straight after a break up, you just want to feel loved by someone, which is why I guess most people go out and buy cats. Ironically, cats are probably the least loving animals ever. Anyway, during this stage, you want to curl up under your duvet and sob into a supersize tub of Ben and Jerry ice cream. I have tried and tested this, and I can confirm that Ben and Jerry can seriously help you in this period. To get out of stage 1, you have got to find some normality. I only dated the guy for six months, but I suppose it would be harder if you've been with each other for years. To get me out of this phase, my friends took me shopping, the day after we broke up. It worked. Don't let yourself get into a rut.

Stage 2
The "I want to block him out of my life forever and never look at his face again" stage. This is quite a nice phase, as you feel as if you're actually doing something to combat the pain you're feeling. Removing everything that reminds you of them from your room; the photos on the wall, the love notes, the teddy bear, his clothes. I currently have a shoe box in the bottom of my wardrobe filled with everything that reminds me of him, it barely shut. It feels much better not being reminded of him everytime I look around my room. Then you've got to sort out your computer. I had A LOT of pictures of us on my laptop. I'm talking around 100 images of us hugging, kissing and being generally cute, that my computer would not let me mass delete. I had to wait a couple of weeks before I could click on them each individually and click delete. That took strength. Similarly, we broke up the week before valentines day, and I'd made a playlist that I was going to give to him. It was saved on my laptop as "Our songs". The album artwork was pictures of us. I still haven't had the courage to listen to the songs again. This phase takes a while to get out of. Depending on how long you were in a relationship, you'll keep noticing little things that remind you of them. Its been nearly a month and I still find things; just yesterday, I found a picture of us saved on my phone. To get out of this phase I'd suggest either one of two things, depending on the terms that you are on with your ex. If you had a nice breakup, you can still talk and are friends then look at the photos, notes and everything, at least you'll address that it was good while it lasted. If it was a bad breakup, feel free to burn them to he ground.

Stage 3
The "I can do so much better than that utter arse hole, I'll show him" stage. This stage is quite fun. Its also quite entertaining if you're still on speaking terms. For example, I still talk to my ex, and the first time I saw him since we broke up was at school, a week later. In the space of a week, I bought the shortest shorts I could find, dyed my hair brunette and made sure that I looked pretty damn fine. His expression was priceless. Flirt with other guys, and revel in the attention that you'll get. I'm not saying act like a slut, but I'm saying show that you can get another guy just as easily and that its his loss. In the month since we broke up I've had five offers of dates, and declined them all. I'm more confident than ever.

Stage 4
The "I can't do this on my own, I need him back and I'll do anything to get him back" stage. This can crop up at anytime. I still get occasional moments of this, but they're getting more and more infrequent. You need to accept that you broke up. It took me quite a while to accept it totally and for about a week and a half I tried constantly to get him back. My only advice is that no matter how much you feel the need to text him, or call him, go with your gut instinct. Everyone told me not to text him, but sometimes you feel so helpless that you just have to. In a way this is good, I talked to my ex and realised that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. It hurt like a bitch, and it felt like my heart had been smashed all over again, but after you can finally move on. If you don't text, you're always going to wonder, but if you do text, you're risking breaking your heart all over again. Use your own judgement on this one.

Stage 5
The "I'm actually single again, this is odd" stage. I suppose it'll be stranger the longer you were in a relationship, but it does feel weird no matter how long the relationship was. Its little things that have altered your personality while you were together vanish, and its like returning to a long lost friend. For example, when I was single, I was flirtatious. I mean VERY flirtatious. When I entered a relationship I had to turn that down loads, and when I became single, I found myself automatically flirting with any guy who showed interest. It scared me at first but then I remembered that I used to be like that all the time. I'm taking full advantage of it. Actually being single is strange as well. Realising that they probably don't think about you when hey go to sleep anymore, and they don't text you as soon as they wake up, it kind of hurts to start with. You've just got to remember that its not the first time you've been single, and if you could find happiness when you were previously single, then you can find it again.

So there are the five stages that I went though when I broke up with my last boyfriend. I hope that none of you ever have to go through these, but odds are not in our favour! Just remember, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...

Monday, 13 February 2012

How it feels...

Hey guys. So as previously mentioned, I told you that I'd split up with my boyfriend. Its weird, we broke up on Friday, and now on Monday, I'm still not convinced its sunk in. I mean, we spend five and a half months together, its strange suddenly thinking that they don't need or want you. 

Whats getting to me the most is that when I go to sleep, or just when I wake up, I've got no one to think about. You know what I mean? When you lie in bed, and you just think about them. I miss that. I keep accidentally letting him slip into my thoughts, and I have to tell myself its wrong, it just makes me upset.  Its when you've been awake for about five minutes, then you suddenly remember you're single. That hurts like a bitch.

I had to go around my room and collect everything that reminded me of him. All the photo's of us that I had on my wall, his t-shirts that he'd left at my house, the teddy bear that he'd given me that still smells like him, the love notes that I had hidden away, everything. I asked if he wanted them back, but he said he needed space and basically that I can keep them. I don't know what to do with them. At the moment they're hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe in a shoe box simply because it was hurting me whenever I saw something. The worst thing I have done this weekend was fall asleep wearing the necklace he gave me, I woke up the next day and I felt so betrayed by myself. Thats also in the box. 

Its typical that I would be single just before Valentines Day. Is it just me, or is everyone going severely over the top this year? My friends took me out shopping to try and cheer me up, but everywhere was covered in hearts and pink, and in the end, I had to leave before I threw up.  My Valentines day shall be spent cuddled up on the sofa with a friend, eating an absolutely ridiculous amount of chocolate and crying over stupid romantic movies.

I've figured that I'm allowed to cry at romantic movies. I never used to, even when I was single before. I used to be happily able to sit through The Notebook, and not even shed a tear. I watched The Notebook yesterday; my eyes were like Niagara Falls! Literally, the first first time I saw Allie and Noah, I was in tears, and it pretty much stayed like that for the next two hours. I was going to go see The Vow at the cinema, you know, the new movie with Channing Tatum in it? Now I've got your attention. I kind of figured that since its near Valentines Day, there will be loads of couples there, and I'd probably ruin the movie for them if I'm constantly sobbing into my popcorn. Why can't I just marry Channing Tatum? That would solve all my problems... 

Want to know what else is bothering me? We're most likely all girls here (apologies if you're a boy), so you'll know what I mean. I've been on my period for six weeks. Six weeks! I think I'm going to hospital tonight, to get blood tests done. Christ, its getting to me. I keep going all dizzy, and I've nearly fainted three times in the last two days. I'm constantly tired, and girls will understand me when I say that the PMS is awful! I don't think I've ever been in such a bad mood for such a long time. I can tell that I'm getting sick now though, I can't eat because whenever I do, I throw it straight back up. So I haven't eaten anything since Thursday morning. Thats having an effect on both my moods and my tiredness. Its also probably why I'm going faint a lot. So yeah, hospital tonight, where they'll stick a million and one needles into me. Yay...

Another thing thats bothering me. My Grandad is in hospital. He had a second stroke about 5 weeks ago.  He got moved into critical condition on Thursday night, and basically his doctor has said that we should prepare for the worst. I'm not having a very good week, am I? Its typical, the one person who could give cuddles that made me feel better, no matter what, wants nothing to do with me. So I'm sat in bed on my own, trying to make sense of everything, at the same time I'm hormonal, and emotional and pretty much on the verge of a breakdown. 

The thing is, we split because my boyfriend felt like he wasn't making me happy. And, he thought that because he saw my Tumblr. On Thursday night, I was in a bad place. I'd had a row with my boyfriend, my Grandad could die at any moment, I'd nearly fainted in Chemistry, it had been one of those days. Now, the thing that was upsetting me most was my Grandad, but do you know when you're just emotional, and you need an easy target? Well I couldn't exactly blog about how mad I was at my Grandad for getting ill and how I'm annoyed that he's going to leave my Nanna, could I? Even though, it was my Grandad that was bothering me that most, I chose to blog about how my had boyfriend annoyed me. He hadn't even annoyed me that much, just once I start letting emotion out, I find it hard to stop. Well, yeah, he saw the post and figured that he wasn't making me happy, and that we were 'dysfunctional'. I've never felt so stupid in all my life. I couldn't even tell him about my Grandad, because it was hurting me to even think about it. 

So thats basically what happened this weekend... 

Sunday, 12 February 2012

We Spilt.

The title says it all. 

We split up. I don't really want to talk about it now, I just want to crawl under my duvet, and sob into the jar of nutella that has become my new best friend. 
Writing about it in my journal, but its too early to tell everyone how I'm feeling. 
I'll blog about it when I'm ready.

Everytime I see my friends I burst into tears. I had a mental breakdown in a shopping centre today. 

I miss him.

Fuck you valentines day.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

A New Obsession...

So, all my exams are done so its time to get blogging again! God, I'm so cool... 

Today, I was thinking that I would do something a little bit different. As most of you know, I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, but recently, I've started reading another series. And, as much as it pains me to say this, I think it may be better than the boy wizard. 

Any ideas what I'm going on about yet? 

The Hunger Games.

Thats right, the title deserves its own paragraph, thats how much I respect this book. So, by now you're probably asking why I've suddenly lost my love for scar-head. The truth is, I haven't, I'm still in love with Draco Malfoy, but, I've found a series that can rival it, and in my eyes, better it. So, 4 reasons why I prefer The Hunger Games to Harry Potter.

1. Katniss. For once, we have a female heroine! Hazaar! Now, how ever many people tell you that they hate Katniss because she's cliche and boring and stuff, don't listen to them! In my eyes, she's like a normal girl, at least she seems to think the same way I do. Sure she messes a few boys around, but, if any of you can name one girl who in real life hasn't, I'll eat my hat. Now, call me immature, but when theres a female lead role, when I read about them, I like to imagine that they're me. And, I don't know, but Katniss seemed to kind of stick more to me than Hermione ever did.

2. Fights. I adore a good fight scene every now and again. In Harry Potter, they're a little bit 'pathetic'. I mean, sure theres Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but I don't recall there ever being a proper fight scene, with blood, punches and actual combat. Sure, wands are cool, but they meant that everyone was equal (to a certain extent). The Hunger Games has 'proper' weapons, that could cause real damage; bows and arrows, spears, knifes, you get the idea. Its grim. Its not pretty, and its not nice. I mean, children are forced to kill each other. But, this makes it more gripping...

3. Peeta and Gale. Oh good god. My heart melts when I think of Peeta. Not even joking. You know how people joke about being in love with fictional characters? I'm not. If I could, I would marry that boy. (Apologies to my boyfriend...). And Gale! Oh my god, Gale. In my head he's gorgeous, and I love him too. Please don't make me choose between them? 

4. Its not a kids book. Now, I know the hardcore Potter-heads don't mind being seen out in public carrying their favourite Potter book, but if you're not a dedicated fan, and over the age of 15, you're faced with a dilemma. The Hunger Games is much more of an teens/adult book. Its still got the undertones of a kids book, but as mentioned above, its a lot more drastic in its views. I get the impression that The Hunger Games is slightly more socially acceptable for a 17 year old to read. No offence meant to the Potter-heads.

So, there you have it! If you haven't read The Hunger Games yet, go do it! I'm not lying when I say its an amazing book. If you're a hardcore Potter-head, or (I dread to say it) Twi-hard, and you don't agree, comment! But, thats all from me, as its 11.20 on a school night, and I'm rather tired, so byeeeeeee.....

Tuesday, 17 January 2012


So hello again! My final exam is on Friday, so after then you should start to hear a bit more frequently from me again. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my future and stuff like that. Its kind of strange, I have no (and I mean zilch, not even an inkling) idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I know exactly where I want to get married, where I want my kids to go to school, and other little trivial things that are probably never going to happen...

University has to be one of my biggest worries at the moment. Two years ago, according to my school, I was a serious Oxbridge candidate. I got my predicted grades on my GCSE's (not the best, but above average) and the school was pushing me to do arts, english and other writing type subjects. I ignored them. Now I'm stuck doing four AS levels that I not only hate, but also failing quite spectacularly. Anyone know any universities that accept U's in chemistry? If so, get in touch. I hate failing. And whats worse is that everyone else seems to be doing fine! My friends have always been smarter than me, and up to now its only bothered me a little bit, but now its ridiculous! Last year I was only say a few marks lower than them; now, they're on A's and I'm on U's! Its kind of depressing.

I don't see how I'm going to get into university with my crappy predicted grades. I have the horrible suspicion that if I don't get into uni, I'll be stuck in a crappy office job, never make enough money to support the lifestyle that I want, never be happy, and be constantly depressed. I have the horrible feeling that if I don't get into uni, I'll loose all my friends, my family will see me as a failure, and I'll spend the rest of my life drinking vodka down back alleys, attempting to drown my sorrows about how much of a failure I am.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure.

So instead of going off to uni after my A Levels, I was thinking of doing a gap year. I know its a little way in the future still, but I'm one of these people who likes to plan things in advance. And, anyway, its kind of giving me something to look forward to after the next one and a half years of hell that I've still got to endure.

One of the main ideas I'm thinking about doing is becoming an Au Pair. For those who don't know an au pair is like a live-in baby sitter type person. The cool thing is though, I could get a placement anywhere I want; Paris, New York, Venice, anywhere! The way its works is I would look after kids for a couple of nights a week, and get the rest of the time to chill in Paris or wherever! Pretty cool, huh? As I'd stay with one family, they'd have to provide my accommodation, my food, everything like that, and they also have to give me pocket money! Its like being an extra member of a family! Can you tell I'm kind of excited about that one...?

I really want to travel the world. Pick a random country, take loads of photos, then go to a different country! The thing is, and I'm aware that this is going to sound like sentimental mush, but I really want something that I can look back on with my kids one day and tell them all the cool things I did as a teenager. How dumb is that? I want to be able to sit down with them one day, look through all my old scrapbooks and be like, "...and heres where I lived in Paris...oh, and this is me in Tokyo..." You get the idea.

I'm currently sat in chemistry, supposed to be learning about 'chromatography'. Good lord, its boring. I've come to the conclusion that I'll do the presentation that I'm supposed to be making at home and blog a bit now. 

So yeah, gap years. I really just want to get away from here, and go live somewhere or travel somewhere where I don't really know anyone and have a bit of an adventure. I'm thinking I might get a job sometime soon and start saving up. Looking on the 'official' type websites, the organised trips aren't exactly cheap. Its about £1000 for one week long trips. Thats kind of a conumdrum if I want to do more than one, isn't it?

At the moment, I'm thinking the ones to Canada look pretty awesome, its all hiking and trekking and stuff like that. Mind, so do the ones in south America, in the rainforests, and the one in Kenya on safaris, and the ones in China and Japan...

So, at the moment, the plan is, To be an au pair for a french family throughout the school year, then in summer, and in my holidays, go on a couple of trips to adventurous places. Sounds good, oui?