Monday, 13 February 2012

How it feels...

Hey guys. So as previously mentioned, I told you that I'd split up with my boyfriend. Its weird, we broke up on Friday, and now on Monday, I'm still not convinced its sunk in. I mean, we spend five and a half months together, its strange suddenly thinking that they don't need or want you. 

Whats getting to me the most is that when I go to sleep, or just when I wake up, I've got no one to think about. You know what I mean? When you lie in bed, and you just think about them. I miss that. I keep accidentally letting him slip into my thoughts, and I have to tell myself its wrong, it just makes me upset.  Its when you've been awake for about five minutes, then you suddenly remember you're single. That hurts like a bitch.

I had to go around my room and collect everything that reminded me of him. All the photo's of us that I had on my wall, his t-shirts that he'd left at my house, the teddy bear that he'd given me that still smells like him, the love notes that I had hidden away, everything. I asked if he wanted them back, but he said he needed space and basically that I can keep them. I don't know what to do with them. At the moment they're hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe in a shoe box simply because it was hurting me whenever I saw something. The worst thing I have done this weekend was fall asleep wearing the necklace he gave me, I woke up the next day and I felt so betrayed by myself. Thats also in the box. 

Its typical that I would be single just before Valentines Day. Is it just me, or is everyone going severely over the top this year? My friends took me out shopping to try and cheer me up, but everywhere was covered in hearts and pink, and in the end, I had to leave before I threw up.  My Valentines day shall be spent cuddled up on the sofa with a friend, eating an absolutely ridiculous amount of chocolate and crying over stupid romantic movies.

I've figured that I'm allowed to cry at romantic movies. I never used to, even when I was single before. I used to be happily able to sit through The Notebook, and not even shed a tear. I watched The Notebook yesterday; my eyes were like Niagara Falls! Literally, the first first time I saw Allie and Noah, I was in tears, and it pretty much stayed like that for the next two hours. I was going to go see The Vow at the cinema, you know, the new movie with Channing Tatum in it? Now I've got your attention. I kind of figured that since its near Valentines Day, there will be loads of couples there, and I'd probably ruin the movie for them if I'm constantly sobbing into my popcorn. Why can't I just marry Channing Tatum? That would solve all my problems... 

Want to know what else is bothering me? We're most likely all girls here (apologies if you're a boy), so you'll know what I mean. I've been on my period for six weeks. Six weeks! I think I'm going to hospital tonight, to get blood tests done. Christ, its getting to me. I keep going all dizzy, and I've nearly fainted three times in the last two days. I'm constantly tired, and girls will understand me when I say that the PMS is awful! I don't think I've ever been in such a bad mood for such a long time. I can tell that I'm getting sick now though, I can't eat because whenever I do, I throw it straight back up. So I haven't eaten anything since Thursday morning. Thats having an effect on both my moods and my tiredness. Its also probably why I'm going faint a lot. So yeah, hospital tonight, where they'll stick a million and one needles into me. Yay...

Another thing thats bothering me. My Grandad is in hospital. He had a second stroke about 5 weeks ago.  He got moved into critical condition on Thursday night, and basically his doctor has said that we should prepare for the worst. I'm not having a very good week, am I? Its typical, the one person who could give cuddles that made me feel better, no matter what, wants nothing to do with me. So I'm sat in bed on my own, trying to make sense of everything, at the same time I'm hormonal, and emotional and pretty much on the verge of a breakdown. 

The thing is, we split because my boyfriend felt like he wasn't making me happy. And, he thought that because he saw my Tumblr. On Thursday night, I was in a bad place. I'd had a row with my boyfriend, my Grandad could die at any moment, I'd nearly fainted in Chemistry, it had been one of those days. Now, the thing that was upsetting me most was my Grandad, but do you know when you're just emotional, and you need an easy target? Well I couldn't exactly blog about how mad I was at my Grandad for getting ill and how I'm annoyed that he's going to leave my Nanna, could I? Even though, it was my Grandad that was bothering me that most, I chose to blog about how my had boyfriend annoyed me. He hadn't even annoyed me that much, just once I start letting emotion out, I find it hard to stop. Well, yeah, he saw the post and figured that he wasn't making me happy, and that we were 'dysfunctional'. I've never felt so stupid in all my life. I couldn't even tell him about my Grandad, because it was hurting me to even think about it. 

So thats basically what happened this weekend... 

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