Two...

So I have a crush. Yes. Finally. I've been praying for myself to get a crush for the past month.

If you've be reading my blog from the start, you'll have realised what I'm like when I start liking someone. Once I start liking someone, I basically become obsessed. And anyway, its now common knowledge that I can't like one single person, my crushes have to come in twos. So when I say I have a crush, what I really mean is, "I have slight crushes on two guys, and I'm going to merge the best parts of them together in my head to make the perfect guy". So yes, I kind of have crushes on two guys. I now need to think of code names for them, because 'guy number one' and 'guy number two' have been done before. I think I may start using initials. But that would be really obvious. Any ideas, anyone?

So anyway, there are two guys. The first guy is my 'normal' type. He basically looks like a cross between an Abercrombie model and a greek god. He's about 5ft9-ish, and as far as I'm aware, he has a six pack to die for (my imagination is telling me I'm right). I've known him since I started middle school, but I never talked to him properly until the start of this year. He's smart, funny, and he understands Harry Potter references. Its always hot when I guy can quote Potter to you. He's a triplet. What is it with me and triplets?! I must be drawn to them. Anyway, I sit next to him in biology and maths. What is it with me and science lessons?! I always seem to develop crushes on boys in my science lessons. He's ridiculously smart, he's amazing at maths, but I have a slight advantage over him in biology, but only just enough so I can tease him about it. Have I ever mentioned I'm the worlds biggest flirt? So anyway, thats the first guy.

The second guy is pretty different. He's not my normal type. He's about 5ft7-ish, and has wavy blond hair. He could also be an Abercrombie model if he tried. But he doesn't try. He has a six pack, but admittedly, not the best, because I'm willing to bet he doesn't gym. He's smart, but he doesn't try, he doesn't need to try. Its kind of hot when boys don't try. He's funny, and he can quote Harry Potter and The Hunger Games to me. So hot. He's not a triplet, thank god. The other day, I was sharing his Ipod with him, and we were singing 'Dirty Little Secret' by The All-American Rejects to each other, with full on air guitars and everything. I like boys who aren't too serious. I sit next to him in biology. Thats right. In biology, I have one crush on my left, and one crush on my right. Biology is slowly becoming my favourite subject for some reason... 

So, any opinions on which sounds like the best? Answers in the comment section please... 

Byee.....

I'm back...

So, I've had a little break from blogging. Sorry. I know you all must have missed me dreadfully, but I promise I'm back. So for the past month I've been coping with what can only be called the 'post-breakup cycle'. So in this post I'm going to outline the stages that I went though after I broke up with the boy I was in love with, and hopefully give you some tips, just incase any of you happen to be unfortunate enough to go through with it.


Stage 1
The "I'm going to be forever alone, and live with 37 cats, who will eventually eat me as I die a slow, painful, lonely death" stage. No over exaggeration. This lasted for about two days for me, but I can easily see why for some people it can last months. It feels good to feel sorry for yourself. To be honest, straight after a break up, you just want to feel loved by someone, which is why I guess most people go out and buy cats. Ironically, cats are probably the least loving animals ever. Anyway, during this stage, you want to curl up under your duvet and sob into a supersize tub of Ben and Jerry ice cream. I have tried and tested this, and I can confirm that Ben and Jerry can seriously help you in this period. To get out of stage 1, you have got to find some normality. I only dated the guy for six months, but I suppose it would be harder if you've been with each other for years. To get me out of this phase, my friends took me shopping, the day after we broke up. It worked. Don't let yourself get into a rut.


Stage 2
The "I want to block him out of my life forever and never look at his face again" stage. This is quite a nice phase, as you feel as if you're actually doing something to combat the pain you're feeling. Removing everything that reminds you of them from your room; the photos on the wall, the love notes, the teddy bear, his clothes. I currently have a shoe box in the bottom of my wardrobe filled with everything that reminds me of him, it barely shut. It feels much better not being reminded of him everytime I look around my room. Then you've got to sort out your computer. I had A LOT of pictures of us on my laptop. I'm talking around 100 images of us hugging, kissing and being generally cute, that my computer would not let me mass delete. I had to wait a couple of weeks before I could click on them each individually and click delete. That took strength. Similarly, we broke up the week before valentines day, and I'd made a playlist that I was going to give to him. It was saved on my laptop as "Our songs". The album artwork was pictures of us. I still haven't had the courage to listen to the songs again. This phase takes a while to get out of. Depending on how long you were in a relationship, you'll keep noticing little things that remind you of them. Its been nearly a month and I still find things; just yesterday, I found a picture of us saved on my phone. To get out of this phase I'd suggest either one of two things, depending on the terms that you are on with your ex. If you had a nice breakup, you can still talk and are friends then look at the photos, notes and everything, at least you'll address that it was good while it lasted. If it was a bad breakup, feel free to burn them to he ground.


Stage 3
The "I can do so much better than that utter arse hole, I'll show him" stage. This stage is quite fun. Its also quite entertaining if you're still on speaking terms. For example, I still talk to my ex, and the first time I saw him since we broke up was at school, a week later. In the space of a week, I bought the shortest shorts I could find, dyed my hair brunette and made sure that I looked pretty damn fine. His expression was priceless. Flirt with other guys, and revel in the attention that you'll get. I'm not saying act like a slut, but I'm saying show that you can get another guy just as easily and that its his loss. In the month since we broke up I've had five offers of dates, and declined them all. I'm more confident than ever.


Stage 4
The "I can't do this on my own, I need him back and I'll do anything to get him back" stage. This can crop up at anytime. I still get occasional moments of this, but they're getting more and more infrequent. You need to accept that you broke up. It took me quite a while to accept it totally and for about a week and a half I tried constantly to get him back. My only advice is that no matter how much you feel the need to text him, or call him, go with your gut instinct. Everyone told me not to text him, but sometimes you feel so helpless that you just have to. In a way this is good, I talked to my ex and realised that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. It hurt like a bitch, and it felt like my heart had been smashed all over again, but after you can finally move on. If you don't text, you're always going to wonder, but if you do text, you're risking breaking your heart all over again. Use your own judgement on this one.


Stage 5
The "I'm actually single again, this is odd" stage. I suppose it'll be stranger the longer you were in a relationship, but it does feel weird no matter how long the relationship was. Its little things that have altered your personality while you were together vanish, and its like returning to a long lost friend. For example, when I was single, I was flirtatious. I mean VERY flirtatious. When I entered a relationship I had to turn that down loads, and when I became single, I found myself automatically flirting with any guy who showed interest. It scared me at first but then I remembered that I used to be like that all the time. I'm taking full advantage of it. Actually being single is strange as well. Realising that they probably don't think about you when hey go to sleep anymore, and they don't text you as soon as they wake up, it kind of hurts to start with. You've just got to remember that its not the first time you've been single, and if you could find happiness when you were previously single, then you can find it again.


So there are the five stages that I went though when I broke up with my last boyfriend. I hope that none of you ever have to go through these, but odds are not in our favour! Just remember, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...

How it feels...

Hey guys. So as previously mentioned, I told you that I'd split up with my boyfriend. Its weird, we broke up on Friday, and now on Monday, I'm still not convinced its sunk in. I mean, we spend five and a half months together, its strange suddenly thinking that they don't need or want you. 

Whats getting to me the most is that when I go to sleep, or just when I wake up, I've got no one to think about. You know what I mean? When you lie in bed, and you just think about them. I miss that. I keep accidentally letting him slip into my thoughts, and I have to tell myself its wrong, it just makes me upset.  Its when you've been awake for about five minutes, then you suddenly remember you're single. That hurts like a bitch.


I had to go around my room and collect everything that reminded me of him. All the photo's of us that I had on my wall, his t-shirts that he'd left at my house, the teddy bear that he'd given me that still smells like him, the love notes that I had hidden away, everything. I asked if he wanted them back, but he said he needed space and basically that I can keep them. I don't know what to do with them. At the moment they're hidden at the bottom of my wardrobe in a shoe box simply because it was hurting me whenever I saw something. The worst thing I have done this weekend was fall asleep wearing the necklace he gave me, I woke up the next day and I felt so betrayed by myself. Thats also in the box. 


Its typical that I would be single just before Valentines Day. Is it just me, or is everyone going severely over the top this year? My friends took me out shopping to try and cheer me up, but everywhere was covered in hearts and pink, and in the end, I had to leave before I threw up.  My Valentines day shall be spent cuddled up on the sofa with a friend, eating an absolutely ridiculous amount of chocolate and crying over stupid romantic movies.


I've figured that I'm allowed to cry at romantic movies. I never used to, even when I was single before. I used to be happily able to sit through The Notebook, and not even shed a tear. I watched The Notebook yesterday; my eyes were like Niagara Falls! Literally, the first first time I saw Allie and Noah, I was in tears, and it pretty much stayed like that for the next two hours. I was going to go see The Vow at the cinema, you know, the new movie with Channing Tatum in it? Now I've got your attention. I kind of figured that since its near Valentines Day, there will be loads of couples there, and I'd probably ruin the movie for them if I'm constantly sobbing into my popcorn. Why can't I just marry Channing Tatum? That would solve all my problems... 


Want to know what else is bothering me? We're most likely all girls here (apologies if you're a boy), so you'll know what I mean. I've been on my period for six weeks. Six weeks! I think I'm going to hospital tonight, to get blood tests done. Christ, its getting to me. I keep going all dizzy, and I've nearly fainted three times in the last two days. I'm constantly tired, and girls will understand me when I say that the PMS is awful! I don't think I've ever been in such a bad mood for such a long time. I can tell that I'm getting sick now though, I can't eat because whenever I do, I throw it straight back up. So I haven't eaten anything since Thursday morning. Thats having an effect on both my moods and my tiredness. Its also probably why I'm going faint a lot. So yeah, hospital tonight, where they'll stick a million and one needles into me. Yay...


Another thing thats bothering me. My Grandad is in hospital. He had a second stroke about 5 weeks ago.  He got moved into critical condition on Thursday night, and basically his doctor has said that we should prepare for the worst. I'm not having a very good week, am I? Its typical, the one person who could give cuddles that made me feel better, no matter what, wants nothing to do with me. So I'm sat in bed on my own, trying to make sense of everything, at the same time I'm hormonal, and emotional and pretty much on the verge of a breakdown. 


The thing is, we split because my boyfriend felt like he wasn't making me happy. And, he thought that because he saw my Tumblr. On Thursday night, I was in a bad place. I'd had a row with my boyfriend, my Grandad could die at any moment, I'd nearly fainted in Chemistry, it had been one of those days. Now, the thing that was upsetting me most was my Grandad, but do you know when you're just emotional, and you need an easy target? Well I couldn't exactly blog about how mad I was at my Grandad for getting ill and how I'm annoyed that he's going to leave my Nanna, could I? Even though, it was my Grandad that was bothering me that most, I chose to blog about how my had boyfriend annoyed me. He hadn't even annoyed me that much, just once I start letting emotion out, I find it hard to stop. Well, yeah, he saw the post and figured that he wasn't making me happy, and that we were 'dysfunctional'. I've never felt so stupid in all my life. I couldn't even tell him about my Grandad, because it was hurting me to even think about it. 


So thats basically what happened this weekend... 

We Spilt.

The title says it all. 

We split up. I don't really want to talk about it now, I just want to crawl under my duvet, and sob into the jar of nutella that has become my new best friend. 
Writing about it in my journal, but its too early to tell everyone how I'm feeling. 
I'll blog about it when I'm ready.


Everytime I see my friends I burst into tears. I had a mental breakdown in a shopping centre today. 


I miss him.


Fuck you valentines day.

A New Obsession...

So, all my exams are done so its time to get blogging again! God, I'm so cool... 

Today, I was thinking that I would do something a little bit different. As most of you know, I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, but recently, I've started reading another series. And, as much as it pains me to say this, I think it may be better than the boy wizard. 


Any ideas what I'm going on about yet? 


The Hunger Games.


Thats right, the title deserves its own paragraph, thats how much I respect this book. So, by now you're probably asking why I've suddenly lost my love for scar-head. The truth is, I haven't, I'm still in love with Draco Malfoy, but, I've found a series that can rival it, and in my eyes, better it. So, 4 reasons why I prefer The Hunger Games to Harry Potter.


1. Katniss. For once, we have a female heroine! Hazaar! Now, how ever many people tell you that they hate Katniss because she's cliche and boring and stuff, don't listen to them! In my eyes, she's like a normal girl, at least she seems to think the same way I do. Sure she messes a few boys around, but, if any of you can name one girl who in real life hasn't, I'll eat my hat. Now, call me immature, but when theres a female lead role, when I read about them, I like to imagine that they're me. And, I don't know, but Katniss seemed to kind of stick more to me than Hermione ever did.


2. Fights. I adore a good fight scene every now and again. In Harry Potter, they're a little bit 'pathetic'. I mean, sure theres Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but I don't recall there ever being a proper fight scene, with blood, punches and actual combat. Sure, wands are cool, but they meant that everyone was equal (to a certain extent). The Hunger Games has 'proper' weapons, that could cause real damage; bows and arrows, spears, knifes, you get the idea. Its grim. Its not pretty, and its not nice. I mean, children are forced to kill each other. But, this makes it more gripping...


3. Peeta and Gale. Oh good god. My heart melts when I think of Peeta. Not even joking. You know how people joke about being in love with fictional characters? I'm not. If I could, I would marry that boy. (Apologies to my boyfriend...). And Gale! Oh my god, Gale. In my head he's gorgeous, and I love him too. Please don't make me choose between them? 


4. Its not a kids book. Now, I know the hardcore Potter-heads don't mind being seen out in public carrying their favourite Potter book, but if you're not a dedicated fan, and over the age of 15, you're faced with a dilemma. The Hunger Games is much more of an teens/adult book. Its still got the undertones of a kids book, but as mentioned above, its a lot more drastic in its views. I get the impression that The Hunger Games is slightly more socially acceptable for a 17 year old to read. No offence meant to the Potter-heads.


So, there you have it! If you haven't read The Hunger Games yet, go do it! I'm not lying when I say its an amazing book. If you're a hardcore Potter-head, or (I dread to say it) Twi-hard, and you don't agree, comment! But, thats all from me, as its 11.20 on a school night, and I'm rather tired, so byeeeeeee.....

Bonjour...

So hello again! My final exam is on Friday, so after then you should start to hear a bit more frequently from me again. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my future and stuff like that. Its kind of strange, I have no (and I mean zilch, not even an inkling) idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I know exactly where I want to get married, where I want my kids to go to school, and other little trivial things that are probably never going to happen...

University has to be one of my biggest worries at the moment. Two years ago, according to my school, I was a serious Oxbridge candidate. I got my predicted grades on my GCSE's (not the best, but above average) and the school was pushing me to do arts, english and other writing type subjects. I ignored them. Now I'm stuck doing four AS levels that I not only hate, but also failing quite spectacularly. Anyone know any universities that accept U's in chemistry? If so, get in touch. I hate failing. And whats worse is that everyone else seems to be doing fine! My friends have always been smarter than me, and up to now its only bothered me a little bit, but now its ridiculous! Last year I was only say a few marks lower than them; now, they're on A's and I'm on U's! Its kind of depressing.


I don't see how I'm going to get into university with my crappy predicted grades. I have the horrible suspicion that if I don't get into uni, I'll be stuck in a crappy office job, never make enough money to support the lifestyle that I want, never be happy, and be constantly depressed. I have the horrible feeling that if I don't get into uni, I'll loose all my friends, my family will see me as a failure, and I'll spend the rest of my life drinking vodka down back alleys, attempting to drown my sorrows about how much of a failure I am.


I'm sick of feeling like a failure.


So instead of going off to uni after my A Levels, I was thinking of doing a gap year. I know its a little way in the future still, but I'm one of these people who likes to plan things in advance. And, anyway, its kind of giving me something to look forward to after the next one and a half years of hell that I've still got to endure.


One of the main ideas I'm thinking about doing is becoming an Au Pair. For those who don't know an au pair is like a live-in baby sitter type person. The cool thing is though, I could get a placement anywhere I want; Paris, New York, Venice, anywhere! The way its works is I would look after kids for a couple of nights a week, and get the rest of the time to chill in Paris or wherever! Pretty cool, huh? As I'd stay with one family, they'd have to provide my accommodation, my food, everything like that, and they also have to give me pocket money! Its like being an extra member of a family! Can you tell I'm kind of excited about that one...?


I really want to travel the world. Pick a random country, take loads of photos, then go to a different country! The thing is, and I'm aware that this is going to sound like sentimental mush, but I really want something that I can look back on with my kids one day and tell them all the cool things I did as a teenager. How dumb is that? I want to be able to sit down with them one day, look through all my old scrapbooks and be like, "...and heres where I lived in Paris...oh, and this is me in Tokyo..." You get the idea.


I'm currently sat in chemistry, supposed to be learning about 'chromatography'. Good lord, its boring. I've come to the conclusion that I'll do the presentation that I'm supposed to be making at home and blog a bit now. 


So yeah, gap years. I really just want to get away from here, and go live somewhere or travel somewhere where I don't really know anyone and have a bit of an adventure. I'm thinking I might get a job sometime soon and start saving up. Looking on the 'official' type websites, the organised trips aren't exactly cheap. Its about £1000 for one week long trips. Thats kind of a conumdrum if I want to do more than one, isn't it?


At the moment, I'm thinking the ones to Canada look pretty awesome, its all hiking and trekking and stuff like that. Mind, so do the ones in south America, in the rainforests, and the one in Kenya on safaris, and the ones in China and Japan...


So, at the moment, the plan is, To be an au pair for a french family throughout the school year, then in summer, and in my holidays, go on a couple of trips to adventurous places. Sounds good, oui?

Break...

Well, bloggers, its that time of the year again. One word: EXAMS. I have five coming up in January and I plan to fail all of them. Its quite comical really, I went from getting A*'s at GCSE, to getting U's on every single test I've ever sat at A Level. Wait. No, I told a lie, I once got an E on my psychology mock...


So, in the interest of pushing my grades up, this is the last post I'm going to do on here until after my last exam (the 20th of January, if anyones wondering). If you're that desperate to keep up to date with my ramblings, I just started a tumblr (how much of a hipster am I?). You can find that here. Basically, its easier and quicker to post a couple of pictures than write a whole essay for you to read. Its only until the end of January though, I promise. Then I'll get back to my usual rambling, ranting, boring old self. 


Also, since I'm not going to be posting for a while, I'm going to be nice for a change. A few people have asked me to put my dailybooth back up because they didn't get to see it the first time round. So, until the end of January, when I shall return, you can see what I look like here. 


So, yea, until after my exams, bye....